tdleitch

After weeks of arguing and avoiding reality, we finally brought the shadows into the light.  No more secrets, no more hiding our thoughts and feelings.  What can we accomplish if we keep it all bottled up? 

The result, was one totally awesome weekend! 

Monday doesn't look so ominous....

I remember these feelings...floating, soaring....love.

What a wonderful feeling!

Really.

I use to laugh when my boss called me this....

Now I'm not thinking it's so funny.

It'll be my turn for a break soon...right?

*sigh*  My bad luck has to end soon.

I want to smoke today.  That's stupid of me.

It's been 21 days since I have and today I want to smoke.

I've been fighting this urge since I woke up this morning...

I'm not having any luck focusing my attention on work or anything else productive for that matter.

I'd settle for going to sleep too I think...

...

..

.

How long have I felt like this?  How long have I felt like I'm on hold? 

For awhile I think...

Just don't think I ever put it in those words.  But it's been that way, off and on, for years right?

Waiting for something else to happen.  Holding for this or that.  Everything in life is a waiting game.  You wait for the question, you wait for the answer, you wait for the day, you wait for the reaction, you wait for the feeling, you wait for the time, you wait and wait and wait....

You wait for things you can't ever have...

But why do we wait? 

Because we can't adapt. 

Life doesn't always give us what we want and there isn't anything we can do about it.  We're constantly fighting against the one thing we can't beat....

Time

No matter how hard we fight, we can't win.  It's our biggest enemy.  It holds total control in its hands. We can't run and we can't hide...because no matter what, it keeps ticking and it works against us.

This moment is never enough.  It's always what tomorrow brings.

But what tomorrow brings also brings us another day later. 

There was a point in time when time itself didn't work against us.  When we were younger, we thought time was all we had.  Time meant nothing.  It was just that...the passing of another day. 

Now the clock ticks and with each day that passes I watch the dreams slip a little further away...I watch them float by getting further and further out of my reach. 

Other people fall into them.  Unwanted and unintentional.  But as the time passes more quickly I realize those dreams are not mine to have.  And it's either accept or regret but you can't do both. 

No the decisions weren't mine alone but I will be the one to carry the burden alone.  The one that will pay the ultimate price for the decisions that I didn't make alone.

An overwhelming sense of lose.  An overwhelming sense of regret that regardless of time, I will never get away from. 

As the clock ticks on...it cuts a little deep...

When I was a little girl growing up, the only thing I ever wanted was to find someone to love me the way my Daddy loved my Mom. 

As I grew older and a little wiser, I came to realize that the my parents loved each other but it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted for myself.  They say little girls spend their entire lives looking for someone "just like their Daddy".  I don't know that this is so much true.  My father loved her.  They provided financially for each other.  He opened the doors for her, pumped gas for her, bought her pretty things, held her when they walked.  But after time I began to see the things that wasn't there.  They didn't spend much time together.  They didn't laugh together, go out together, I rarely heard them say "I love you". This isn't what I had dreamed of.

I spend the first half of my "adult life" with a person so far from anything that even remotely reminded me of my father.  I should or could, possibly, thank him for making me realize what I wanted in a soulmate.  What I wanted in the person I would pick to spend my life with.  It was these things that ended that phase in my life. 

Looking back, I'll never regret the decisions I made in that regard.  He and I were young when we met, stupid when we married and stubborn when we held on for so long. 

What was I looking for when I finally figured out what I wanted in the person that would spend my life with me?  That's far from an easy question.

I wanted so very much.  I wanted someone that loves me.  Someone that wants me.  Someone that believes in me.  Someone that lets me be myself.  Someone that is eager and attentive, honest and caring.  A person that sees me for me and not the person they want me to be.  Someone that wants to date me every day of our lives.  Someone that understands and finds it as equally important to them as it is to me, that we make quality time for each other.  A person to hold me and protect me through the darkness of the nights. That wanted to hold my hand through the bad times and laugh with me through the good times.  Someone to be there to wipe my tears and lift me up when I was falling.  Someone that would appreciate me.  Understand me.  Believe in me.  A giving person that was not as selfish as my father.  Someone that put me first.  Someone that I was as much physically attracted to as I was emotionally.  Someone that gave me butterflies.  Someone who's desire I could stir without touch.  Someone that wanted..me...needed...me.  

I also thank the previous stages in my life have let me realize my own selfishness.  

And I've come to realize, I'm a very selfish person.  Though I have spent my entire life, and still do, putting everyone else before me.  Secretly, deep down inside, I harbor resentment because I give and give and give and feel like I'm constantly left behind.  

My Mom use to tell me, that if you give things up easily, people will take advantage of you.  I knew she was specifically speaking of boys and sex at the time.  But that saying rings just as true in my adult life as it did in my teenage life.   

down, down, down

I can actually feel myself falling. The more time the passes, the longer it goes..the further I fall.

Feeling like my head is going to explode. Feeling like I just want to start screaming and not stop until all the pressure is released.

Anger...there is so much anger and frustration and sadness boiling inside my head. Why?

Relax, remind myself to relax...

Breathe...

Seems that's the way it goes. You're always harder on yourself then other people are. Why is that? Why do we make ourselves feel so bad?

Currently in one of those phases where I'm questioning myself, doubting myself. Commonly known as my selfish stage. "I want, I want, I want" is what I hear myself saying and thinking a lot lately.

Seriously. I feel so terribly selfish. Even myself saying "I want some down time", "I want alone time with Matt", "I need some sleep", "I don't want to do that tonight" or just thinking to myself "when is it my turn?". Yeah makes you feel like such a selfish person. Especially, when these things come to your kids.

*sigh* or maybe that should be *cry*. I love my kiddos, God knows I do.

So horribly selfish because I know inside I've been thinking "it's not fair our Christmas got taken away" and then "you want to do what with our new years?".

Zack being in the hospital made me think long and hard about how lucky I am to be his Mom. About how lucky I am to have them both. But sadly, it's not made me realize enough to stop being so selfish. Not enough to stop me from screaming inside...

Not enough to stop me from bottling up frustrations. Or maybe it has helped to bottle up the frustrations. Who knows but I'm being selfish, needy and frustrated. I want, I want, I want...

Frustrated with what?

The boys for one, how in the world people manage to successfully mother and nurture two boys at the same time I will never know. My Mother gene must be broken.

Needing a break. 5 days in the hospital, no Christmas, fighting children...all of this has taken it's toll...I just need some down time.

Wanting time. Time with Matt, that we haven't had in a couple weeks now. Yeah, he was there in the hospital, he's been there every night at home, but that's not really there. That's being in the same place at the same time and yet so totally far apart.

Walls. That's what's being built right now. *sigh*

Conversation. The lack there of. I can't get over being exhausted and run down and upset and hurt enough to actually hold a conversation. Matt told his family, but do I have any idea what they said? No, of course not. He doesn't talk about it and I give up asking.

Holidays. Christmas was a bust, came too close to loosing Zack to even care about the holiday. New Year's is looking no different. Nothing exciting, nothing special going on. That's sad for me. Everyone knows I'm such a strong believer in the "what you're doing at midnight is foresight into what your new year will be like" saying. All hopes of ringing in the new year with candles and wine and romance are out the door. Instead we'll have the tv playing in the back ground, uneventfully watch the ball drop, put the boys to bed and then zonk out I'm sure....

Yeah, this blog is depressing me more, sure isn't the outlet I thought it would be...

Merry late Christmas and Happy New Year....

It's 2 days before Christmas...

So many changes from last year to now. I won't be spending Christmas alone this year..or any Christmas from here after, thanks to an amazing guy and a beautiful rock sitting on my finger.

Though I won't have the boys this Christmas morning. That is really starting to bother me. I'll have them for a couple hours Christmas Eve and then they will come home Christmas night at about 5.

Santa has been good to them this year. But it will be the first that they won't be curled up next to me in bed, waking me up in the wee hours of the morning or dragging me down to open presents before the sun's even come up...

The things we take for granted.

Another day closer to Christmas.

Still blah, still frustrated, still aggravated...still just here.

One up, two downs. I've really tried.

Beginning to doubt...

Have been looking forward to this weekend all month and it starts off like shit.

Christmas shopping, present wrapping, date night, raid on Sunday, weekend with Matt...and now I can't find it to be excited about any of it.

Rough morning with the boys, rough morning with Matt.

Tired of disappointments, tired of being the after thought, tired of competing...

Gah, give me a break.