- Hardest on yourself
- December 30th, 2009
Seems that's the way it goes. You're always harder on yourself then other people are. Why is that? Why do we make ourselves feel so bad?
Currently in one of those phases where I'm questioning myself, doubting myself. Commonly known as my selfish stage. "I want, I want, I want" is what I hear myself saying and thinking a lot lately.
Seriously. I feel so terribly selfish. Even myself saying "I want some down time", "I want alone time with Matt", "I need some sleep", "I don't want to do that tonight" or just thinking to myself "when is it my turn?". Yeah makes you feel like such a selfish person. Especially, when these things come to your kids.
*sigh* or maybe that should be *cry*. I love my kiddos, God knows I do.
So horribly selfish because I know inside I've been thinking "it's not fair our Christmas got taken away" and then "you want to do what with our new years?".
Zack being in the hospital made me think long and hard about how lucky I am to be his Mom. About how lucky I am to have them both. But sadly, it's not made me realize enough to stop being so selfish. Not enough to stop me from screaming inside...
Not enough to stop me from bottling up frustrations. Or maybe it has helped to bottle up the frustrations. Who knows but I'm being selfish, needy and frustrated. I want, I want, I want...
Frustrated with what?
The boys for one, how in the world people manage to successfully mother and nurture two boys at the same time I will never know. My Mother gene must be broken.
Needing a break. 5 days in the hospital, no Christmas, fighting children...all of this has taken it's toll...I just need some down time.
Wanting time. Time with Matt, that we haven't had in a couple weeks now. Yeah, he was there in the hospital, he's been there every night at home, but that's not really there. That's being in the same place at the same time and yet so totally far apart.
Walls. That's what's being built right now. *sigh*
Conversation. The lack there of. I can't get over being exhausted and run down and upset and hurt enough to actually hold a conversation. Matt told his family, but do I have any idea what they said? No, of course not. He doesn't talk about it and I give up asking.
Holidays. Christmas was a bust, came too close to loosing Zack to even care about the holiday. New Year's is looking no different. Nothing exciting, nothing special going on. That's sad for me. Everyone knows I'm such a strong believer in the "what you're doing at midnight is foresight into what your new year will be like" saying. All hopes of ringing in the new year with candles and wine and romance are out the door. Instead we'll have the tv playing in the back ground, uneventfully watch the ball drop, put the boys to bed and then zonk out I'm sure....
Yeah, this blog is depressing me more, sure isn't the outlet I thought it would be...
Merry late Christmas and Happy New Year....